Thursday, October 31, 2013
I usually love Halloween, but I don't know what's wrong with me today. It might have been a combination of a headache and a couple of big fires to put out at work, but when my office lunch party rolled around and several coworkers came in bearing costumed kids, I sat quietly in the corner for awhile and then removed myself to C's office to lose my composure. I felt so stupid, since logically it's really not that big of a deal. But my emotional brain took over and I had to pour it all out to C. Halloween, my emotional brain suddenly realized, is just a fertility parade. The office party was a parade of little ones being passed from their parent to other kids' parents, each practically standing in line to hold the infant so they could "remember what it was like," and though I know I just wasn't assertive enough to take my turn, in my mind all the parents were being willfully selfish, not caring that the one who hasn't been able to "remember what it was like" would really just like to "see what it IS like." (See, I feel like such an idiot even typing this out, it's so silly!) And then at night, parent after parent comes to my house to show me how fertile they are. See, here is my cute kid, award him for my fertility. So I resolved to shut all the lights off and hide tonight. But then after a few hours when the party was done and the work fires were extinguished, my logical brain had the space to take over again and now I have to finish this blog post so I can light the jack'o'lanterns. This Halloween, the scariest thing I experienced was my dumb brain.